The Monthly Cue

After all the superb care received following his motorcycling accident Magnaminous Mick McCool has kindly made a donation of much needed equipment to the George Eliot Hospital.

In an exclusive interview with the Cue he shared his reasoning for his gift. ‘Breasts’ beamed Mick. And that was that….and who can blame him!

In an attempt to defend himself from the accusation that he is ‘a useless hobo’ Ben Swinnerton has sent the Cue a pic of him in his new job as a wine waiter in an exclusive gay naturalist hotel complex. ‘ Believe me this really hurt. I’ve never been one to bottle things up and felt I had to do something about it’ said Ben, with tears streaming down his face. Unfortunately cloth-eared Swinnerton misheard; what he was actually called was a ‘useless homo’.

Spot the Difference

Anker Cueman, Craig ‘Yido’ Yates is keen to dispel the rumour that he is in fact Ronald MacDonald! However, he does own up to being his identical twin brother.

A young Upton boy, Little Robbie Orton, is sitting on his bed reading
the Bible. Suddenly, his father storms in, grabs him and drags
him out into the pasture.

In the pasture is one sheep chewing grass. His father points to
the sheep and says, "Thou hast had sex with yon sheep!"

Little Robbie kneels and says, "Father forgive me for I did
indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast."

Saddened his father says, "Thou art forgiven my son. But know
this... there will be REAL trouble if I taste it again."

Becs, Laurie & Sian are at the Pool Presentation when Becs notices a spot on the seat next to her. ‘That looks like a cum stain’ she says. Laurie leans over and smells it and says, ‘mmm, it smells like a cum stain’. Sian then leans over and licks it and says, ‘yep, it’s a cum stain, but its no-one in the pool league!’

John Martin has been banned from B & Q for life! He was approached by some bloke in a orange dungarees who asked him if he wanted decking. Not taking any chances John got the first punch in!

Elven Sam Baginskis had a near-death experience the other day when he went riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and down out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good. With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head-first to the ground. His head continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even slow down. Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth's' manager came along and unplugged it.

Woman goes to the doctors with a cork lodged up her fanny. ‘Whenever I take it out it chants Glory Glory Man United’ she says. ‘Don’t worry says the doc, lots of cunts do that’!

What’s the difference between the Grand Old Duke of York & Ben Swinnerton?

The Grand Old Duke only had 10,000 men!!!

It is with great pride that the Cue wishes to announce that

Mount Pleasant Landlord

Chris Hatch

has been chosen to play Shrek in the forthcoming

Bedrock Civic Hall Production.

He is pictured here with fellow team mate Craig West who went with Chris to give moral support.

After so many complaints that we failed to include a Caption Comp in the last issue we have decided to bring back the much loved feature. All you have to do is look at the photo (left) of Nuneaton & Warwickshire Ladies County player, Claire Quinney, and come with a line that best describes her particularly interesting demeanour.

The best entry wins either a night out with the subject of our last caption competition, Anker Cueist Michael Cook (seen here shitting in a doorway – mmm nice), or an anaesthetic free vasectomy with a rusty nail;

the choice is yours!!!!

(I’d go for the snip everytime… it will be considerably less painful ~ ed)

Ben Swingerbottom recently went to get a tattoo of a Rolls Royce on his dick! However the tattooist talked him into having a Land Rover instead on account of how much shit he has to go through.

A young woman was granted two wishes by her fairy godmother. She asked for bigger tits and they instantly grew to 38DD, Then she asked for a really tight cunt and was given Karl Knight’s mobile number!!

Nigel Griffiths is pleased to announce the opening of a new branch of his Cycling Empire in Rural Witherley. Emblazoned over the shop were Nige’s catchphrase ‘The Ride of Your Life!’

The Cue were on hand to see Nigel’s first customer, Dave Burnett, emerge from the shop with the first purchase!‘I not sure it be catching on!’ said a bewildered Dave, ‘there be no fleece.’

McCool in Traffic Protest

After months of harassment from boy racers in her street Becs McCool is not standing for it anymore!

When the Council wouldn’t oblige Becs took matters into her own hands to become Nuneaton’s first human speed hump(s).

Following the overwhelming response from Mark ‘Stiletto’ Chapman, to our ‘Sexy Queen’ piece in the Christmas Edition, (he went on and on about the boots) we’ve decided to include another pic just for him!

The Cue’s thanks goes to Paul ‘Fuckin’ Willis this month who kindly set this months Anagram Challenge. All you do is re-arrange the letters in the words below to create a new word. Paul has agreed to buy a pint for anyone who emails all the answers correctly to themonthlycue@aol.com by March 2005. Take your time, they’re tricky!

How many words of 4 letters or more can you find? No proper nouns, no plurals and be sure to include Malc’s nine letter word.

Crap:30, Alright:35, Not bad:40

Fucking cheating swatty bastard:83

Do you suffer from

Low Self Esteem?

That’s probably because you’re an Ugly Bastard!

Stop moaning, do us all a favour and get surgery.

Quickly!

Lost & Found

Has anyone seen my pussy?It’s big and has lots of hair. There have been several alleged sightings but none that I can confirm. Phone: Laurie Farrelly 06969 – 6969696969.

Andy West

Will Swap

Cue & Case

Any degree of Ability

Rod Brown

Wants to swap

Ice Skates

For

Hair Dye

Danny Evans

Will swap

Sheep

Goat

Steve ‘Yoda’ Sears

Needs to swap

Light Saber

For

Ear Muffs

Mark Chapman Is franticly trying to swap Pair of Stilettos

Boots (as seen in Sexy Queen story – Christmas Edition)

Alun Jones

Wants to Swap

Joke Teeth (Barely used ~only 30 years old)

Any amount of Blow

(not that blow Swingerbottom)

Ben Swinnerton

Eager to Swap

Recent Edition of

Gay Times

Pierre Flavelll

Is Happy to Swap

His conk

Bob Jefferies Conk

Bertie Bassett

Very keen to swap

Leeds Utd

Season Ticket

‘War of the Worlds CD’