The Monthly Cue

Issue 7 Jan 05

 More crap in here than in Karl Knight’s pants…..but only just!!

Inside this Issue.....

BIG NOSE!

BIG FEET!

BIG ???????

Pierre Flavelll

Proves His Point.

 

Shock!!!!

Knighty Hangs up Cue for

Pastures New

Cocky Swinnerton

In Computer Success

Postin in Fruity Fiasco!*!*!

Franklin in Spelling Sack Shock

 

Trojan Tedds’ Tremendous Todger!

 

And much, much more………………

Following their first InterLeague match against Nuneaton A, the Nuneaton B player Mick Tayloro, who lost both his games, was quizzed by a Cue reporter as to whether it was him who put the ‘oo’ into pool!   Taylor refused to comment but instead joined in with the Karaoke producing a flawless performance of his favourite Tom Jones classic ‘It’s Not Unusual’.

 

 

Sadly the Poachers Pocket Captain Danny Barr was rushed into hospital last night. Sources close to Barr said that he had got an extremely bad side!

---- Latest News ----

Pictured right is the

 Rose Inn B’s very own Pierre Flavelll who was keen to prove to all our lovely lady readers that it is in fact true….men with big noses have got big cocks!

Following years of successful pool,

Karl Knight has decided to branch out into the World of Music.

 His aim is to become Nuneaton’s first International Rap Star. As such he has asked the Cue to announce that from now on he would like you all to address him by his stage name: Piss Daddy! Respect!

Local pool legend Paul Willis has been approached by

Teenagers With Argumentative Tourette’s Syndrome to become a spokesman to champion their cause. A spokesman for T.W.A.T.S remarked that Paul is the ideal candidate. However, on hearing this, a bewildered Willis commented: ‘You taking the fucking piss, you bastard wanker. Never fucking heard of fucking Tourettes, yer fucking piss taking cunt!’

The Centre of Nuneaton was brought to a standstill earlier this week as one of Rebecca McCool’s bras blew off the washing line during the recent high winds!

A police spokesman at the scene said, ’we have to be thankful, it could have been much worse, it might have been a pair of Claire Quinney’s pants!’

Ben Swinnerton has secured a tremendous sponsorship deal with a newly formed Computer Search Engine for gay-boy bum bandits called

Ask Ben!

‘Ooooh I’m so, so, so happy’ giggled Ben ‘The depths I’ve had to sink to land this deal, you just wouldn’t believe it, you wouldn’t!’

 

News Just In....   Andy West won £25 on the Royal Oak bandit which he promptly dropped on the floor. Team mate Colin Richards shook his head and said sadly, ‘ Andy has always had trouble getting anything into pockets!’

Drama News

Unfortunately the Cue has to report that Mick McCool was knocked of his bike before Christmas and sustained a serious leg injury (true, for once). But it’s not all bad news. He’s managed to land a pivotal role in a Bedrock Civic Hall Production of Treasure Island, and will be ably assisted by Rob Orton who will play Blind Pew.

Cartoon Corner

Have You Overspent This Xmas?

 

Need Extra Cash?

 

Then Follow Laurie Farrelly’s example.

 

Get a Fucking Job

 

Even if is Waitressing!

 

After his second major blunder in less than two months, and despite the fact that someone bought him Scrabble for Christmas,

 Wiz Franklin has been sacked from his job as Chief of Warks Highway/ Road Marking Division. A disgruntled Franklin refused to speak to the Cue but later produced a written statement which read:

‘Fkuc fof yuo waksner!’

It is with the greatest disappointment that the Cue has to report Malc Postin has also been sacked from his new job on the Fruit & Veg counter of a local supermarket. This followed complaints from customers that the produce didn’t taste quite right!

A despondent Postin told the Cue that he thought an apple a day was good for you.

News reaches us that Bob Jefferies has acquired a new puppy from the Animal Rescue Shelter. The long time Baggies fan has decided to name the Dog after the whole of the West Bromwich Albion team. However, we here at the Monthly Cue reckon that "Relegation Fodder" is a strange name for a German Shepherd!

More News...

Following the gesture by Bob Jefferies the Monthly Cue can report that Rob Orton has also acquired a new pet from the Animal Rescue. But unlike Bob he's adopted a snake and named it after his pool career. We at the Cue think 'Never win f*ck all' is a strange name for a python.

 

Young cuester Kyle ‘five 0’ Allen impressed watching Monthly Cue reporters on Saturday after spending more than two hours on the Rose Inn pool table!

But after closer inspection they realised that he still hadn’t got it clean!

Jokes

What’s the difference between Colin Richards at pool and a bucket of shit?                    The bucket!!!

 

Which is the odd one out? Father Christmas, Alex Higgins or a good player from the Anker A team?

Alex Higgins ~ the other two don’t exist.

 

Steve Sears, Matt Cooke and their two lovely ladies Sian & Vicky decided to spice up their sex lives with a bit of partner swapping!!! After two hours of all on action Steve gasped, ‘that was brilliant, the best sex I’ve ever had:

 I wonder how the girls are getting on’!

 

Wiz Franklin walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

‘Pint please……. and one for the road.’

 

Malc Postin allegedly met a Dutch girl from Amsterdam with inflatable shoes last week. He phoned her up to arrange a date; but she’d popped her clogs!

 

Whats the difference between a car battery and Bob Jefferies playing pool?

The battery has a plus point!

 

Rod Brown goes into the supermarket and buys one tin of beans, one bag of crisps, one frozen hamburger and one pint of milk. The checkout girl looks at his basket and says; ‘You’re single, aren’t you?’ ‘Yes’ says Rodders ‘how can you tell?’ ‘ Because you’re an ugly bastard’.

 

Paul Willis is at school when his teacher asks the class to use the word ‘contagious’ in a sentence. Paul pipes up: ‘my next door neighbour is painting the outside of his house with a one inch brush and me dad says it’ll take the contagious’.

 

Ben Swinnerton has become a magician…the last we heard he’d vanished with a poof.

 

How do you give Becs McCool a brain transplant…..blow in her ear.

 

Apology

The Monthly Cue would like to apologise for the age of the jokes above. They have been included for the benefit of our younger readers and those of you who are now so old you suffer with memory loss suffer with memory loss suffer with memory loss………

 Hoax warnings don't usually scare us at the Cue, but this one is important.
Please tell everyone you know to be on their guard.
If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey and asks you to show them your arse,

DO NOT show them your arse. This is a scam; they just want to see your arse.
I wish I'd heard about this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap. Alun Jones

 

Your Letter!!!!!

TO THE MONTHLY CUE    

 

AFTER READING THE CUE FOR THE FIRST TIME I WOULD LIKE TO CONGRATULATE YOU  FOR YOUR  PISS TAKING  OF THE LOCAL POOL PLAYERS . THE MATERIAL YOU HAVE USED WAS HILARIOUS , PICTURES OF VARDEN'S BOLLOCKS  AND ROD BROWNS UNDIES WERE A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES . THE PHOTOS OF MICK TAYLORO' AND CHAPMAN IN HIS NEW SHOES WERE ALSO VERY FUNNY.  IN THE RECENT EDITION THE REPORT AND PICTURE OF LAURIE FARRELY AND HER RUNNY NOSE HAD ME IN STITCHES. THE ONLY PART OF THE MONTHLY CUE I DON'T LIKE ARE THE REPORTS OF NUNEATON'S NUMBER 1 ( PAUL THE FUDGE WILLIS ).  I CAN’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHY YOU FUCKING THINK HE FUCKING SWEARS ALL THE FUCKING TIME ANYWAY. I'VE  HAD ENOUGH OF WRITING THIS CUNTING LETTER, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK ABOUT ALL THE LOCAL SO CALLED POOL PLAYERS AND LEAVE THE FUDGE ALONE (OR  ELSE).                                                                                   YOURS FUDGINGLY   (GUESS) 

The Cue were on hand at Steve Tedds 40^th Fancy Dress Birthday Party. (the old bugger!!) We thought that his long standing partner, Wendy, had made him wear this outfit because it is representative of his nickname:

The Tamworth Torpedo!

Apparently this was not the case. Wendy admitted that the costume was more to do with Steve himself saying ‘lets face it, he’s nothing more than a big prick!’

The Cue has scoured the archives and discovered this photo of Alun Jones. Can you work out which path the skunk- ass junky followed? 

 

Witherley Village had really wanted a proper motorcycle display team to headline at their recent Winter Fete. However funds would not stretch to that expense and so they all enjoyed a stunning show by Freda ‘The Free-Wheelin’ Frisian

Blue Lion Captain, Dave ‘Glass Arm’ Burnett said

‘ I didn’t know Danny Evan’s missus was that talented’

A local woman is said to be hugely disappointed after an implant operation to give her the

World’s Biggest Pair of Tits

 went horribly wrong!!!

Unperturbed by the disappointing flop of his pool school Andy West has flobbed in the eye of failure and produced his own pool text book.

Normally this fine literary work of art would retail at 14p but Andy is prepared to give his own copy away should anyone at all show any interest whatsoever in his cue and case that he has being trying to sell for months.

 

Distraught at his wimpish stature

 Ian ‘The Swerve’ Worthington has signed up on an innovative new distance learning computer course ‘Masterbation for Muscles’!

When interviewed about his strangely lopsided physique Swerve admitted: ’you are supposed to pull one off with your right arm, and then repeat the process with your left. But what the fuck, at my age once is more than enough’!

The Blue Lion have achieved some success this season after winning a local competition organised by the newly formed Witherley Tourist Information Board. All the team had to do was to come up with a slogan that aptly describes their village, and they did just that…check this out…..

Witherley

Where men are men…..and women are sheep!