The Monthly Cue

After months and months of badgering from bum bandit Ben Swingerbottom the Cue has finally conceded to his demands that we include a picture of a sexy queen!

(surprisingly evocative – ed)

Next month we shall be showing a picture of a Corgi as requested by all the lads from the Blue Lion!

After a very nasty experience at this year’s office party, Rod Brown would like to point out the dangers of falling asleep after far too much to drink!!!

We asked you to send them, and send them you did!

Cue Reader’s own Christmas letters to Santa.

Just take a look at these!!!!!

Dear Santa

Please could I have bigger tits than my husband.

Yours truly, Mrs Mark Jenkins

Dear Santa

I would really like a ‘My Little Pony Set’ or a sheep, or a sheep, or a sheep, or a sheep. Thank you…Danny Evans

Dear Santa

Me too (see Danny Evans)…….Love…Rob Orton

Dear Santa,

Please, please, please can I have a camisole and knicker set….George Beasley has had his back!

Yours Rod Brown

Dear Santa,

Could you see your way clear to bringing me a television, DVD player, Video, Stereo, surround Sound System, Microwave, and some pegs. Made the mistake of telling Dodgey Dave ASlsop I was going away on holiday!!!

Regards Colin Richards.

Dear Father Christmas,

I really would like a new cash register …… all the others are very full

Phil ‘the till’ Sayer. PS. No more money: I have enough already!

Dear Santa,

I would very much appreciate a Kingsize Duvet Cover, my other hankies are in tatters. Yours most sincerely. Bob Jefferies.

Dear Santa, you big fat fucker!

Fuck me if it aint that fuckin time of fuckin year a-fuckin-gain! Anyway last years bleedin pressie was fuckin terrific; a ½ hour course on public bastard speaking! Opened fuckin doors for me, I’ll have another fucker.

Cheers you twat………Paul Willis.

If there really is a Father Christmas can I please have some stilts………….and a long pair of trousers. Yours Little Chuckie Fowler

PS And a 24 hour girdle!

Dear Santa ….Could I please have some pool talent for Christmas? Oh, by the way would you be interested in buying a cue & case. Yours Andy West

Dear Father Christmas,

Please could I have a Barbie Disco set? Love the beard! Ben Swinnerton xx

Dear Santa,

I’ve been a really good boy this year and only pissed the bed once (although I did shit myself in Yarmouth – have to be honest coz you know these things).So, can I have some Rupert Bear pyjama’s. Lots of love Karl Knight

Dear Santa

Please could I have a pair of Jimmy Shoos Stilettos, as they’re fab!

Cheers sweetie…….Mark Chapman

Oh Santa, Santa, Santa,

Please could I have 3 Bargain Buckets, 4 Zinger Burgers, 4 Large Fries, 2 ¼ Pounders with Double Cheese, 4 Large Fries, 2 Chicken Royal, 5 Banana Milk Shakes, 4 Large Fries….

And a second arsehole. Yours Mushy McClaughlin.

P.S. times 2….Goose is on a stopover.

Dear Santa,

You must know your way around everywhere, but I struggle a bit, so could I have an A – Z of Dudley.

Love Malc Postin.

Dear Santa,

Please could I have a sense of ………………………………………………………..time!

Ralph Deardon

Dear Santa,

Running low on ‘Bronze & Bulge’ All over Tan and Muscle Enhancer. Another 40 gallons should see me through to my birthday at the end of January.

Cheers Chap. Paul Webb.

Dear Santa

Can I have some longer arms because I can no longer reach my arse to wipe it!

Cheers…..Jason Spencer.

Christmas will come & go in the blink of an eye, probably leaving you a little down in the mouth…..but

YOUR MONTHLY CUE HAS THE

ANSWER IN JANUARY’S EDITION

A cut out and keep game of

EPIC PROPORTIONS

The Cue gives You:

MARDOPOLY

Just invite the Mardy Twat in your team round to play, and anyone else who throws the occasional wobbler.

It’ll put a smile on yer face!

Rileys Pool Team has formed a band to sing about their pool exploits over the last couple of seasons.

Their first aptly named CD will be in the shops for Christmas

Jokes & Stuff

Are you stuck for

Christmas Present

ideas this year?

Look no further!

Why not book an advanced course of

Driving Lessons

With

Bill Brown’s

School of Motoring.

Yes,you’re right.

What a smashing idea!!!

Royal Oak Stockingford pool team captain Colin Richards remarked he often feels like guitar legend Mark Knophler. When asked by a Monthly Cue reporter as to why? He calmly replied: ‘Well when your 5-2 down and you put Andy West on you must be in Dire Straits’

The Quinneys

Q: What's the difference between a horse's tail and Rob Orton wearing a tie?

A: The horse's tail covers up the entire arsehole.

Sian Winrow keeps asking her boyfriend Matt Cooke if her boobs are big enough. ‘Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this blouse make them look smaller?

The next day Matt buys her a mirror. Before bed she always looks in the mirror and asks him, ‘ do you think they’re big enough? Would you like them bigger’?

Finally he gets really angry and says: ‘I know how to make them larger’!

‘How!?!?!?’ asks Sian.

‘Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it between them’ says Matt.

‘How long will it take for them to get bigger?’ she asks.

‘Oh they’ll expand over the years’ Matt answers.

‘How do you know that?’ she says.

‘I dunno, but it certainly worked for your arse’!!!

It goes without saying that ‘Cookie’s Crap’ is a statement of fact, and the Cue was pleased to be able to share with you the moment when Anker Cueman

Michael Cook

made a total clearance!

Furthermore it gave us a terrific idea for this month’s competition as we give you our very own:

Turd Tournament

All you have to do is guess the weight of the turd in this photo to win a top prize.

And to start you off ~ I reckon he weighs about 14 stones

VERY SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

In order to assure the highest levels of quality pool is played by all players, it will be the league’s new policy to keep all players well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give certain players more S.H.I.T than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your fair share of S.H.I.T in the Monthly Cue, please write to the Editor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our Editor is especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Players who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in a Divisional Etiquette Evaluation Program (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Etiquette Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T).

Since our Editors took S.H.I.T before they became Editors, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a helping with the Cue. We can add your name to our British Ultimate League List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Interleague Pool (D.I.P S.H.I.T).

Thank you,

Boss in General

(B.I.G S.H.I.T)

An Interview With

The Man Who Put The O, O, O into Ho, Ho, Ho

Mick TaylorO

(and there’s plenty of Ho, Ho, Ho when he’s playing!!!)

Mick kindly spent a couple of minutes with our reporter in our new

Question & Answer feature.

On Sport

Favourite Sport ~ Polo, Favourite Polo Player ~ Cant Swimo, Favourite Boxer ~Frank Bruno,

Favourite Football Team ~ Porto, Favourite Footballer ~ Ronaldo, Favourite Golfer ~ Nick Faldo,

Favourite Racing Driver ~ M. Sato, Favourite Grand Prix ~ Monaco

Favourite Tennis Player ~ G. Gaudio, Favourite Rugby Player ~ L. Dallaglio

On Entertainment & Sport

Favourite TV Programme ~ Hawaii Five O, Favourite Lord of the Rings Character ~ Frodo/Bilbo

Favourite Disney Character ~ Pluto, Favourite Cartoon Character ~ Bluto,

Favourite Female Singer ~ Dido, Favourite Male Singer ~ Bono, Favourite Film ~ Rambo

Miscellaneous

Favourite Car ~ Alpha Romeo, Favourite Mint Sweet ~ Polo, Favourite Chocolate Sweet ~ Rolo

Favourite Planet ~ Pluto, Favourite Extinct Species ~ Dodo, Favourite Car ~ Alpha Romeo

Favourite Holiday Destination ~ Puerto Rico, Tobago or Mexico

A big thank you to Micko for that in depth insight into your

world. Merry Chrimbo!!!

Horrifying, we know, but the Monthly Cue has had to endure the derision of local ladies accusing US of sexism!!! (Tarts! – Ed)

Believing him to be the Editor

Al Jones’ Penthouse Suite was surrounded by an angry mob of very irate woman baying for blood.

Fortunately Colin ‘Shakin Boss’ Richards, who was nearby, was able to fix the situation with some quick thinking. He quickly produced his own poster (middle back) which instilled just enough guilt to persuade the crowd to subside back home to complete the daily chores they had so absent mindedly forgotten to complete. Status Quo restored and the Cue continues.

What else can Colin Fix?

Find out in January’s Issue!