The Monthly Cue

Have you ever wondered why Sam Baginskis has become so good at pool at such a tender age?

Don’t be fooled!!

The Cue can reveal that Sam is in fact a 253 year old Elf (check out the lugholes) and has spent many of those years idling his time away in Santa’s Grotto playing our much loved game on toy pool tables which he helps to make! But it’s not all bad news.

Now that his secret is out Sam has offered to personally deliver your Christmas ‘Wish Lists’ direct to Santa. So send them in to us at MonthlyCue@aol.com

It would appear that the Monthly Cue have really shaken things up for Nuneaton Ladies Player Claire Quinney. In last months issue we revealed her secret employment as a trainer for Vice Squad Retriever Dogs (see photo top left).

This week Quinney was quizzed by RSPCA officials after allegations she has been overworking animals in her care.

Cue Champions Wildlife

Following on from our success in tackling sexism in pool, (see last month’s issue) the Cue is now offering its support to Wildlife in our area.

It’s only a start but great oaks come from small acorns! This month, for your pleasure, we’ve included a lovely picture of a duck!

Country Yokel Rob Orton has come up with a sensational new idea called the Cow Wash which he hopes will prove a clean sweep with his bumkin buddies.

‘Me & my mates talk bout our lovelies all the time, and we’ve all come to the same conclusion.

None of us like sex with a dirty beast!’

The Cue can reveal that Cilla Black is to do a Special Christmas Edition of

Surprise, Surprise.

Unbeknown to Bob Jefferies intrepid reporters, working for this fine publication, were able to track down and arrange for Bob’s long lost sister to be reunited with him for the festive season to come.

Be sure to watch – it’ll be ‘sniff-tastic’

Ben Swinnerton goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Ben, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."

Ben is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" Doc says "Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, and top it off with a litre of prune juice."

Ben asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for."

Mick TaylorO bumped into England Pool Ace Chris Melling at Yarmouth this year and persuaded him to play a few frames with him. When they had finished Mick enquired ‘ what do you think of my game’?

‘Quite good’ said Melling ‘ but I still prefer pool’!

Not only is Al Jones a bit of a dab hand at pool he is a fairly well renowned poet. In fact at a recent National Poetry Contest he reached the final. Only an Oxford English Graduate stood between him and notoriety.
In the final they were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'. First to recite his poem was the Oxford graduate. He stepped up to the microphone & said:

”SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU"

The crowd went crazy! No way could Alun top that, they thought. But Al calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

” ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET THREE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
THEY WAS THREE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU!"

Al won!!!!

Plenty of entries for last months Caption Competition which showed Scott Varden in one of his more attractive poses!

We asked you what you thought Scott was trying do when this photo was taken. Despite some tremendous ideas the winner is Scott Varden himself, whose entry came in a musical form.

Well done Scott!

Do you have a hidden talent……then why not share it with other Monthly Cue readers, Matt Cooke did!!

Matt told our reporter that he had always wanted to be a contortionist in the circus. But as fate had it he took up pool instead and he is now a well established clown.

The Monthly Cue has received angry threats from Dave Austin’s younger brother Richard after running a story about his role in the next Harry Pottor film. Rich was far from impressed that we thought David was actually Harry and warned us we were skating on thin ice, and that if we carried on Dave would turn us into Frogs.

Dear Monthly Cue,

I am very angry that you have seen fit to humiliate me in last month’s edition. Just because I lost a few fights there is no need to be mean to me! And as for the photo of me dick lifting 50 kilos I would like to point out that is only for repetition work! I’m very very cross.

Yours

Paul Webb

(very sorry Paul, we thought you’d be able to take it on the chin by now – ed)

Dear Monthly Cue,

I was pleased to see that you are trying to do something positive at last by combating sexism in the Sept/Oct Edition. But what about those of us who are plagued by proboscis parodies at pool. We say:

NO TO NOSISM!!

Yours truly,

Bob Jefferies, Simon Snounou, Mark Jenkins & Pierre FlavellL.

If you have been baffled by some of the stories above and want clarification as their full meaning then why not contact our dirt correspondent who will fill you in, which is more than paul webb could do!

MonthlyCue@aol.com