The Monthly Cue

 

 

 

Special Bumper Edition

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Issue 4 Sept 04 & Oct 04

A load of old crap which you dickheads will read from cover to cover

 

 

 

 

Spencer Splashes Out

 

 

 

           

Politically Correct Cue Pots Prejudices from Pool

 

 

 

 

 

 

Austin Astounds

As Awesome Potter

 

 

 

 


 

            

 

 

 

Competition Corner

How Pants is

Rod Brown?

 

 

 

 

Weight Worry for Wonderboy Webb

                                                                                                                                

 

   

                                                                                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                                                                        

 

 

 

 

Short sighted pool ace, Big Jase fell foul to an heinous prank when someone pulled the plug and emptied the swimming pool during his summer hols. Poor Jason was found the following morning after his skinny dipping prank went horribly wrong!!!
 
 


 

                                                                                                                                                                            

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Following other sports who are battling to oust various forms of prejudices from their organisations, the Nuneaton Singles League has decided to tackle sexism! As such we are proud to be able to sponsor Rebecca McCool’s new T-shirt.

 

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

 

Reports suggesting that Nuneaton’s Dave Austin had landed the starring role in the next Harry Pottor movie have yet to be confirmed. Filming of the latest instalment entitled ‘ Harry Pottor, The Wizard of the Green Baize’ is due to start early next year. A very excited Austin was seen yesterday in the Rose Inn getting in some practise with his wand! A Monthly Cue reporter asked Mr Austin for a comment on this rumour. His reply of ‘Abracadabra’ only confused matters. Close friend of Austin’s, The Great Suprendo said ‘Piff, Paff Puff’ which was nice!
Pert Paul Webb is keeping his pecker up despite the disappointment of his pugilist past. Having closely examined just about every boxing ring canvas in the Midlands the ‘Bulkington Basher’ has been seen testing his self righting mechanism: a trick he picked up watching Robot Wars!

 

After an illustrious career Pool Prima Donna Andy West recently decided to hold a Pool School for less talented players than himself in Nuneaton.

Rather surprisingly Andy was disappointed at the turn out. Malc Postin said later that he had wanted to attend but he was tied up in Dudley at the time.

 

 

 

 

 

 
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Al Jones has refuted the vicious allegation that he is losing his hair!

He says that he has it all, its just that most of it is in his brush at home!

                                                       

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                 

 

It is a little known fact that Nuneaton’s own Pool Princess Claire Quinney secretly works training dogs for the ‘Vice Squad’!

‘I only have them for a week or two’ she told the Cue, ‘apparently they have to start with something they can sniff out quite easily.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy or Homosexual Competition Winner Ben Swingerbottom has announced his engagement to be married this month. ‘I love the idea of marriage’ said a joyful Ben ‘I’ve always wanted to get my ring on someone’s finger’.

 

 

 

 

Soooooooo Spooooooky!!!!!

It’s official, Sian Winrow is Morticia! An unsuspecting Sian was seen out and about lately without her normal ginger hair dye by a roving Cue reporter. What a good job he was on the spot to reveal Sian’s deepest secret. No wonder Matt Cooke secured the role of Lurch in the next Family Adams movie (as reported in the Aug edition) and we all thought it was baldy bonce Festa Chapman that got him the role!

Still doubtful….look closer…she even has her wand in her top left pocket!

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
                                                                                                                                                                                                             

 

 

 

 

Nuneaton Entrepreneur and pool player Bill Brown has struck on an idea to reduce congestion on the overcrowded streets of our town. He has earmarked a very small corner of his garden as a park and ride facility. ‘It couldn’t be simpler’ said Bill

‘leave your car with me, take our courtesy bus and I’ll park it for you’!

 

 
More School & Childhood Memories
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Paul Willis is at it again! Following the inclusion of his School Memories Piece in the August Edition, Postman Paul was keen to show us all that he was good with letters even at Nursery School!!


 

 

 

And following on from Paul’s Story ~ lets all join in:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                           

 

 

  

 

Text Box:                    Friends Who Hate United.cum.manx                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Week in week out the Cue is inundated with players making derogatory remarks about Man United and their armchair fans.

So we thought we would give the pool players of Nuneaton an arena to air the deep level of hatred for the Northern Nonce's. Answer the simple question below, or just vent your anger in anyway you see fit, and send to Friendswhohateunited@aol.com and we will include it in the next Cue. Some suggestions are printed below

 

                                                                                                                                                                         

 

 

 

 

 

How Much Do You Hate Man United?

I hate Man United fans, but then again I never have liked Southern Puffs!  (Matt Cooke)

 

Man United – they make me see red!  (Paul Willis)

 

 Fucking Roy Fucking Keene – Tosser! (Paul Willis Again!)

 

Ryan Giggs – pretending to be Welsh – enough said!!! (Danny Evans)

 

Cantona: Poet, Philosopher, Penis!!! (Ben Swinnerton)(we’re not sure if that was a comment or just wishful thinking – ed) 

 

Rumours have been gathering pace that legendry pool ace Andy West is in negotiations to make a dramatic return to the Nuneaton Singles League! He declined an interview with the Monthly Cue though and just enquired if anyone had made a bid for his cue and case. So we at the Cue decided to interview close friend and team mate Alun Jones who said ‘Andy should stay in retirement so we can hang onto the fond memories of just how shit he really was. He shouldn’t start playing again and prove it’!!!!!

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

QUIZ OF THE MONTH ~ Who’s Pants are these anyway?

                                                                                                                                                    

Just what does Rod Brown think he is doing? Pink Panties with a pale complexion and Ginger Hair….Oh no, no, no!!! All you have to do is identify the likely owner to win a very special secret prize.

Just Answer the Question: Who’s Pants is Rod Wearing?

(a)    his own

(b)   his girlfriends

(c)    his sisters

(d)   his mum’s

(e)    George Beasley’s

 

Please send entries to MonthlyCue@aol.com. (Competition Rules: Only members of the Nuneaton Singles League may enter, and certainly not members of George Beasley family or any of his neighbours who may have seen his washing line).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jokes and Stuff

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    

 

                 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being a nice boy Ben Swinnerton was driving the Nuneaton Ladies Team to a match when tragedy struck and they all died. The girls formed an orderly queue at the Pearly Gates and St Peter asked all a question.

‘ Sian, have you ever had contact with a man’s thingy’? Sian giggles and replies, ‘ well once I touched one with the tip of my finger’. St Peter says ‘ ok,dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate’.

St Peter then asks the same question to Claire Quinney to which she replied ‘ well ,once I fondled and stroked one’. St Peter says ‘ ok dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate’.

All of a sudden there is a commotion in the line of girls and Wendy Tedds pushes her way to the front. St Peter asks ‘what seems to be the rush’? and Wendy says ‘ If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water I want to do it before Ben sticks his arse in it’.

 

 

 

 

Have you heard about the new gay sitcom starring Ben Swinnerton?

It’s called ‘Leave it, it’s beaver’!

 

Bob Jefferies sadly dies and goes straight to hell. Obviously he hates it down there and begs the devil to let him leave. The devil promptly gives him a bucket and tells Bob to bail out Ramsden Bay, if he succeeds he can leave. Off Jefferies toddles but try as he might he finds it completely impossible. Just as it’s about empty the tide comes in. So he goes back to the devil and tells him it’s a total waste of time, its impossible and there is no way it will ever happen and could he perhaps have another task. The devil ponders and says ‘ok, get Mick TaylorO to win division two’ to which Bob replied ‘ for fuck’s sake give us back the bucket’.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bosses at Channel Four have given producers the go ahead to remake and update the classic 1970’s police drama ‘Hawaii Five O’. The favourite to star is Nuneaton’s very own Mick TaylorO

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feedback from the last issue of the Cue intimated that we had been fibbing! But pictures don’t lie…..Yearby and Beasley are officially Jammy Dodgers

 

 

 

 

Sponsorship Deals

 

Bill Brown ~ British School of Motoring

Claire Quinney ~ Ann Summers

Malc Postin ~ Dudley Tourist Information Board

Andy West ~ Missing Person’s Bureau

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Winning Entries to last months Caption Competition

3. Does my bum look big in this? Mushy (but this may just have been a passing comment!)

2. Bags down, mouth open. Swinnerton can’t be far away! Stourbridge Pool Team

1. Has Rod shit so hard his upper body has turned inside out? Dr. I. Pulooker (Consultant of Alimentary Medicine at George Elliot Hospital)

 

 

Caption Competition

 

 
 

 

 

This month sees Scott Varden striking a rather interesting pose whilst in Yarmouth. Certainly one for the album.

What do you think Scott was trying to do at the time the photo was taken. Answers to: MontlyCue@aol.com

Best entry will win a course of dick boxing lesson with Paul Webb.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                               

 

 

The witherley wordsearch (By Dave Wurzel burnett)

 

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P

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K

A

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sheepshagger        harvester        aunt sally       banjo

straw hat       get off my land      tractor        cow shit

shot gun                 flossy                wurzels     scarecrows

                                  oohahh               incest

 

 

 

Your Letters

 

 

Pit your wits against witherley’s finest intellectual and find the hidden words below. Dave is sure that this sort word game will catch on!!!!

            

 

Dear Monthly Cue,

Exception taken have I! Issue wrote you last of me Yoda being. Look I like him not! Stuffed get, Bastards you!

Yours truly,

Steve Sears

 

 

 

Steve is pictured left looking slightly the worse for wear after a binge session in Yarmouth

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Monthly Cue

I have very keenly read your articles concerning Mr Ben Swinnerton over the previous editions of your publication. Far be from me as an outsider to interfere in this more than delicate issue. I have wrestled with the topic of his potential homosexuality and eventually felt it necessary, nay imperative, to offer the thoughts of real pool players in Tamworth. You should, of course, start by disregarding the total twaddle offered in support for Ben by T.W.A.T. (Tamworthians With Anal Tendancies). They are all tossers, bumhole bashers and ringpiece riflers! If Swingerbottom is a bender then we dont want him 'nancy boying it' in our league. Bollock the bummer is what we say! Then bounce them and him back to Birmingham where he belongs! What a puff!

Yours most sincerely,

S.H.I.T (Stalwart Homophobes In Tamworth)

 

 

                                                                                                       

 

                                                       

                   

 

      

Goodwill Gesture from griffiths

 

Following a string of embarrassing accidents, Nigel Griffiths has stepped in to help fellow Nomad Karl Knight. ‘The idea came to me when I took stock of a number of Quad Bikes to sell for Christmas. Karl has been struggling with incontinence for years and frankly its not very nice for any of his team mates. Lets face it you’re supposed to leave the pub pissed up not turn up in a state’. With little ingenuity Griff was able to make the modifications which should see Karl to and from matches in future and spare his blushes!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Adverts

 

 

 

 

 

Tarot, Tea leaves, Crystal Ball, Palms & BUMPS
by

PIKEY ALSOP

WILL TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR,

THEN TRY AND SELL YOU DODGEY GEAR!

 

MORE INFO TEL DAVE ON:

05974 11111111

 

 

 


 

           

 

 

Occasionally Single Male

seeks double jointed supermodel who owns a brewery and grows her own pot. Access to free concert tickets a plus, as is having an open minded twin sister, or mother for that matter.

Phone Malc Postin on

07171 8182838

 

                                                

                                                         

 

  

 

The Monthly Cue would like to Apologise to Rod brown following the appalling advertisement posted in last months issue. it has, we know, caused a great deal of heartache to rod and it was without doubt the most stupid error imaginable. we are truly sorry rod. please find it in your heart to forgive us. for those who have not yet seen the advertisement we would like to point out that rod is in fact shit at ice skating, the advert should have read ‘roller blading lessons’.

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

                                                                                                                           

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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