The Monthly Cue
Steptoe Refutes ‘50p a shag’ jibe!
Lee Steptoe (pictured left) has complained bitterly to the Cue about our allegation that he has slept with other players for 50 pence.
Concerned that this too may lead to further court action, an emergency meeting was arranged, but of course Lee failed to turn up. Apparently he had a tip off that gypos were leaving an illegal site in Bedworth and he couldn’t resist the temptation to pop over with his horse Hercules and sift through their rubbish!
A representative who is close to
Steptoe said, ‘50 pence, that’s outrageous!
Ask anyone in the
Sean Orrvilla may well be deducted points this season because he has regularly turned up to matches with longstanding sidekick Keith Harris (pictured with Orrvilla left). ‘It’s really off putting’ said a distraught opponent ‘not only do you have to put up with having to play with someone who looks like that, but Harris is intimidating and keeps throwing his voice about all over the place’.
Orrvilla was unavailable for comment because Harris had laryngitis but team mate Paul ‘Goose’ Gosling squawked ‘ it’s all Orrvilla has ever wanted …top of the league, flying high…right up to the sky’.
Locals at the Hare & Hounds thought they were watching history in the making when they turned out to see the match between Shakin Boss Richards and Phil ‘the till’ Sayer. After playing for nearly two hours without a ball being potted the only quick thinking punter in the pub called the Guinness Book of Records. Fortunately a representative from the World Renowned publication was close at hand and arrived very quickly. In a moment he assessed the situation, stopped both players and removed the triangle!.
Keith Beasley has beaten Andy Yearby for the role of a true to life lucky bloke as reported in our July edition! A Monthly Cue spokesman said:’ we only forwarded Andy’s name for the part because we forgot about Keith, the jammy bleeder’!
Since Ben Swinnerton’s resounding success in the Cue’s Happy or Homosexual Competition ( July Edition) he has changed his name by Deed Poll to:
Ben Swingerbottom !
The Cue’s
BIG
question this month..
Is this why they call Kev Bennett ‘The Bear’?
You will of course have read with great pride our announcement that Scott Varden has been chosen to light the 2012 Olympic Flame when Britain plays host to all the Worlds top athletes.
However worried GB organisers are afraid that Scott’s prolific lower bowel functions could cause serious injury if activated prior to the highly prestigious moment! Scientists have subsequently worked around the clock and found the solution to arrest his anal activities.
Your free to keep gift…..Courtesy of Your Friendly Cue.
It can’t be escaped:
At some point in the season one of your team will throw a right wobbler and make themselves look a total wanker!
If you’re really lucky you may have two….possibly three total tits who have forgotten that it’s only a game.
So why not download the Monthly Cue’s very own ‘Cut Out And Keep’
MARDOMETER
It’s easy to use, each player spins the pointer before the game of your team’s MARDY ARSE to try and gauge the extent of that evening’s strop!!!
It couldn’t be simpler.
Loser has to listen to the barrage of reasons why the total anus has either lost the match or his/her rag.
The rest can continue to imbibe copious quantities of alcohol in
a drivel free environment!
Scottish Savage
The Anker at Weddington’s own Braveheart,
Craig (I’m not a Yid) Yates,
was the first and probably the only ever local boy to enter the Highland Games. He was unfortunately disqualified because the judges calculated that his caber wasn’t big enough to be tossed!
Over the last weeks we have been circulating amongst you all asking for ideas and contributions for the Cue. Paul Willis suggested that players should submit their school memories. Actually to quote Paul exactly he said: ‘Fuckin hell, I,ve got a fuckin idea and a twatin half!! Get the tossers to fuckin send in their bastard school shittin memories’.
And to get the ball rolling he kindly gave us a picture of himself with his winning entry in his Primary Schools Creative Writing Competition. Who was it who said ‘ give me a child at the age of 7 and I will show you the man’?
A seven-year-old Nuneaton boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody over him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt.
The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.
Custody was yesterday granted to the Mick Taylor0, as the boy firmly believes that he is not capable of beating anyone.
Alun Jones, Colin Richards and Andy West are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in." Addressing Colin Richards first he asks, "what do you believe?" Colin looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Pool to be the greatest of all games. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from Nuneaton. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who play me either in victory or defeat." God looks up and offers Colin Richards the seat to his left. He then turns to Al Jones, "and you, Alun , what do you believe?" Al stands tall and proud, "I believe that courage, honour, passion and flair are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole pool career providing a living embodiment of these traits." God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Jones the seat to his right. Finally, he turns to Andy West, "and you, Andy, what do you believe?" "I believe" says Andy "you're sitting in my seat."
All you had to do was put a caption to this photo of Bertie Bassett. As with last month we had a selection of superb entries to choose from, but the judges finally managed to narrow it down to three.
3. ‘And you find the G-Spot like this………’(Bertie Bassett)
2. I’m sure this is the photo Bertie uses when advertising on
Internet Date sites?(Ben Swingerbottom)
1.This is
obviously Bertie performing the
Smug Steve Sears has every
right to be happy. Only weeks after joining the Nuneaton Dramatic Amateurs
he has nailed a top role as Yoda in this year’s Christmas Extravaganza ‘STAR
W-EARS’.
The show’s
Producer shared with the Cue that this was not all down to Steve’s acting
prowess, but mainly due to the budget being very tight.
‘Lets face it’ he said ‘We won’t
have to spend anything on makeup’!
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ACROSS
1. What Micko gives you after he breaks (3,5) 3. Ball Micko never gets to pot 6. Something Mick Tayloro rarely does pot 7. Al Jones smokes this, Micko can’t do this 8. Usually the way Andy Yearby pots 9. Micko needs two of these 10. Scott Vardens new nickname (3,4) 12. Word often used by Micko’s opponent 15. Another word for Micko’s pool 16. Colour of the balls left when Micko’s on Reds
DOWN
1. Sadly Micko lacks this 2. Easy winner of Happy or Gay test 4. Object Micko can’t use very well 5. Often spat out at pool matches 7. Paul Willis is one of these. 11. Size of the chance Micko has of winning 13. Word describing Micko’s cue 14. What every player has when they play Micko
Your Letters
The Monthly Cue has received yet another severe warning, this time from T.W.A.T. (Tamworthians With Anal Tendancies ~ Chairman Steve Tedds).
Dear Monthly Cue,
How dare you berate the beautiful Ben Swinnerton. Ben has played for years in the Tamworth league and has fitted right in wherever he’s been. He should be judged for his pool play which it has to be said is nice and tight when in a corner and gripping when he’s in control of a couple of bags. There……now I’ve said it! Hmmm.
Dear Monthly Cue,
I would like to advertise my cue and case for sale, I’ll start with a brief history and description. I have had the cue for quite a while, now long enough for it to be a bit of an antique (a bit like me). Although I have used it many times the tip wear is minimal as for the first ten years it was I was actually using it the wrong way round! It also comes with the option of fitted mirrors as I always like to look at myself when taking position as it is not really the potting of the balls that count but the style shown in missing. I would also like to add the case of course but to be honest it doesn’t add much value as it is styled to suit me and no-one else. And as a final selling point I would like to chuck in my self written manual entitled ‘How to miss an easy Black (if only I could get that far)’. Although I have never actually got to potting the black in a match situation I have perfected the art of talking about it. My very final point is that I don’t really want to sell this to my mates so I have made a list below of all the people I want excluded from the sale.
People excluded are: Andy West (oh that’s me)……fuck it! Let anyone buy the thing!
Dear Cue,
We thought we’d better write to you for confirmation that Ian ‘The Swerve’ Worthington has announced his retirement from pool! You can imagine our shock since we in his team at the Fox were wondering when he was actually going to start to play!
League Reports
Fife Street’s Mick Taylor has been the man on cue in the GSD Construction Division Two this month. After just edging passed Stuart MccClaughlin, he found himself locked at 3 all with Bob Jefferies, one visit later he’d won 4 – 3 courtesy of a stunning break dish. Next in line was the unbeaten Rod Brown. Taylor started well taking the first two frames, before Brown pulled one back, Taylor then went within one of victory. Brown dug deep, and showing his battling qualities he levelled the match. Brown was now in the ascendancy and favourite to maintain his 100% record, but Taylor, whose last frame exploits are fast becoming legendary, had other ideas. Once again he held his nerve to take a deciding frame and inflict a first defeat of the season on Brown. This treble consolidates Taylor’s place in the top three and despite Brown’s first defeat he still leads the Division.
Adam Wood was this month’s biggest mover climbing 5 places to sit 4th thanks to victories over McClaughlin, Ryan Millerchip and team mate Ian Worthington. Millerchip also had a treble that included a 4 – 2 defeat of 2nd placed Danny Barr. Along with Worthington and Barr, Bob Jefferies and Sam Lewis also notched two wins.
Last month’s unbeaten leader of the J & E Orton Division Three, Martin Ashby, not only lost his unbeaten record but the leadership of the Division in a bad month for the Co-op cue man. Dave Austin became the first player to beat Ashby then a couple of days later Mark Banks also beat him. While Ashby was reeling Banks replaced him as the new leader of the Division and cemented his place at the top with a dry rub of league sponsor Rob Orton. Sam Baginskis kept within a couple of points of Banks with a double of his own beating Jamie Low and Austin. Rebecca McCool returned to winning ways beating Alwyn Deakin 4 – 2. Deakin secured the 2nd win of his campaign beating the out of sorts Darren Flanagan by the same score line. Nathan Jones, Laurie Farrelly and Steve Blakemore also registered wins.
Sean Orr stays top of the Subcon Laser Division One, with Danny Evans now just 3 points behind after he beat Rich Cave and Arran Bond. Paul Gosling’s impressive run continues and he moves into 3rd place after Paul Miles and Phil Sayer failed to match his potting skills. Rich Cave moves into mid table security with two wins. Brad Read also claimed a win, in what was a quite month in this Division.
It was also quite a month in the Mono Paving Premier League but 4 – 1 was the score all around. Karl Knight, Al Jones, Mark Chapman and Karl White all wining by this margin.
Tables
|
Bill Brown~Subcon Laser Cutting Division One |
||||||
|
|
P |
W |
L |
F |
A |
Pts |
|
Paul Gosling |
14 |
9 |
5 |
44 |
29 |
80 |
|
Sean Orr |
10 |
8 |
2 |
36 |
22 |
68 |
|
Danny Evans |
12 |
7 |
5 |
37 |
29 |
65 |
|
Ben Swinnerton |
8 |
6 |
2 |
27 |
15 |
51 |
|
Carl Dagnan |
7 |
4 |
3 |
26 |
25 |
42 |
|
Andy Yearby |
7 |
4 |
3 |
22 |
18 |
38 |
|
Rich Austin |
8 |
3 |
5 |
22 |
26 |
34 |
|
Brad Read |
6 |
3 |
3 |
19 |
18 |
31 |
|
Rich Cave |
6 |
3 |
3 |
17 |
20 |
29 |
|
Colin Richards |
7 |
2 |
5 |
17 |
24 |
25 |
|
Keith Beasley |
5 |
2 |
3 |
13 |
17 |
21 |
|
Paul Miles |
5 |
1 |
4 |
10 |
19 |
14 |
|
Arron Bond |
4 |
1 |
3 |
9 |
14 |
13 |
|
Phil Sayer |
3 |
0 |
3 |
4 |
12 |
4 |
|
Jack Underhill |
1 |
0 |
1 |
0 |
4 |
0 |
|
Paul Webb |
2 |
0 |
2 |
0 |
8 |
0 |
|
Mono Paving Premier Division |
||||||
|
|
P |
W |
L |
F |
A |
Pts |
|
Matt Cooke |
11 |
9 |
2 |
39 |
20 |
75 |
|
Lee Steptoe |
10 |
8 |
2 |
33 |
20 |
65 |
|
P.Willis |
11 |
7 |
4 |
34 |
26 |
62 |
|
Karl Knight |
10 |
7 |
3 |
32 |
23 |
60 |
|
Steve Tedds |
9 |
5 |
4 |
25 |
24 |
45 |
|
Karl White |
10 |
4 |
6 |
27 |
30 |
43 |
|
Nigel Griffiths |
8 |
4 |
4 |
25 |
23 |
41 |
|
Mark Chapman |
6 |
3 |
3 |
16 |
16 |
28 |
|
Alun Jones |
9 |
2 |
7 |
16 |
32 |
24 |
|
John Martin |
5 |
1 |
4 |
16 |
16 |
20 |
|
Steve Sears |
4 |
2 |
2 |
12 |
12 |
20 |
|
Scott Varden |
6 |
1 |
5 |
12 |
23 |
16 |
|
AndyBassett |
7 |
0 |
7 |
6 |
28 |
6 |
|
Jim Clitheroe |
0 |
0 |
0 |
0 |
50 |
0 |
|
Mick Richardson |
0 |
0 |
0 |
0 |
51 |
0 |
|
Graham Proctor |
0 |
0 |
0 |
0 |
52 |
0 |
|
G.S.D. Construction Division Two |
||||||
|
|
P |
W |
L |
F |
A |
Pts |
|
Danny Barr |
15 |
10 |
5 |
53 |
33 |
93 |
|
Adam Wood |
15 |
10 |
5 |
52 |
40 |
92 |
|
Rod Brown |
12 |
11 |
1 |
47 |
22 |
91 |
|
Mick Taylor |
12 |
10 |
2 |
45 |
27 |
85 |
|
Sam Lewis |
9 |
8 |
1 |
35 |
17 |
67 |
|
Ryan Millerchip |
12 |
7 |
5 |
37 |
36 |
65 |
|
Bob Jefferies |
13 |
6 |
7 |
39 |
39 |
63 |
|
Ian Worthington |
16 |
6 |
10 |
39 |
53 |
63 |
|
Ben Gilby |
9 |
5 |
4 |
29 |
21 |
49 |
|
Mick McCool |
12 |
5 |
7 |
27 |
35 |
47 |
|
Ash James |
11 |
4 |
7 |
27 |
33 |
43 |
|
Rob Cramp |
12 |
4 |
8 |
24 |
37 |
40 |
|
Stuart McClaughlin |
11 |
3 |
8 |
24 |
39 |
36 |
|
Craig Jones |
11 |
2 |
9 |
21 |
40 |
29 |
|
Jase Spencer |
12 |
1 |
11 |
24 |
45 |
28 |
|
Dave Alsop |
6 |
2 |
4 |
14 |
21 |
22 |
|
J & E Orton Bee Farmers Division Three |
||||||
|
|
P |
W |
L |
F |
A |
Pts |
|
Sam Baginskis |
13 |
11 |
2 |
48 |
25 |
92 |
|
Martin Ashby |
13 |
11 |
2 |
46 |
28 |
90 |
|
Mark Banks |
13 |
10 |
3 |
46 |
23 |
86 |
|
Becs McCool |
14 |
9 |
5 |
43 |
32 |
79 |
|
Steve Blakemore |
13 |
8 |
5 |
46 |
36 |
78 |
|
Dave Austin |
13 |
8 |
5 |
37 |
32 |
69 |
|
Claire Quinney |
10 |
7 |
3 |
36 |
23 |
64 |
|
Neil Pearson |
8 |
8 |
0 |
32 |
11 |
64 |
|
Jamie Low |
12 |
5 |
7 |
32 |
33 |
52 |
|
Russ Shields |
11 |
4 |
7 |
26 |
31 |
42 |
|
Rob Orton |
12 |
4 |
8 |
25 |
39 |
41 |
|
Alwyn Deakin |
13 |
3 |
10 |
28 |
45 |
40 |
|
Nathen Jones |
10 |
4 |
6 |
24 |
29 |
40 |
|
Laurie Farrelly |
12 |
1 |
11 |
25 |
44 |
29 |
|
Dave Deacon |
9 |
1 |
8 |
13 |
33 |
17 |
|
Darren Flanagan |
14 |
1 |
13 |
9 |
52 |
13 |
The Hare & Hounds Cup
This month will see 64 pool players break off, all with one aim in mind, that of lifting the Hare ‘N’ Hounds cup. The tournament enters its third year and has already become the hardest of all the local knockout competitions to win.
Two time and only winner Paul Willis began his defence of the title entertaining Division Three’s Steve Blakemore. He was made to work hard by Blakemore who started well and showed there is plenty of talent in the lower leagues. Willis finally stamped his class on the match though, to eventually run out an 8 – 3 winner; his 11th consecutive win in this prestigious tournament.
Witherley cue ace Sam Lewis put in the performance of his life to defeat the highly rated talent of Matt Cooke in the first round of the Hare & Hounds cup. Lewis was in awesome form at times and matched Cooke pot for pot as the first 8 frames were shared. Cooke turned up the heat another notch by producing two frames of perfect pool and lead 6 – 4. Lewis wasn’t fazed and hit straight back with some sublime finishing to take 3 in a row, Cooke again responded and drew level but Lewis wasn’t finished, holding his nerve he produced yet another excellent clearance to take match 8 – 7.
With the demise of Cooke both Karl Knight and Steve Sears must now fancy their chances of winning the tournament, and they both eased into the last 32. Last year’s runner up Knight demolished Keith Beasley 8 – 1, and Sears crushed young Sam Baginskis by the same score.
Division One leader Sean Orr faced the unbeaten leader of Division Two Rod Brown. They produced a classic match that see-sawed between the pair. Finally with the score locked at 6 all Orr managed to gained the upper hand over Brown and edge out an 8 – 6 decision.
Paul Miles also pocketed a place in the last 32 in another epic duel with the Harun's Rob Cramp. Neither player gave an inch as they matched each other leg for leg until agonisingly for Cramp, Miles clinched the all important 15th frame for an 8 - 7 verdict. Joining them will be Paul Gosling who despatched the Blue Lion’s Aaron Bond 8 – 5 in another highly competitive 1st round clash. Danny Barr also goes thorough beating Riley’s cueist Darren ‘The Flan’ Flanagan 8 – 2. Others who eased through the 1st round were Mark Banks, Rob Orton and Mick Taylor.
Perhaps the most amazing result so far in this year’s event saw Karl White just edge past Scott Varden 8 – 0. It’s the most one-sided score line the cup has ever seen, the unfortunate Varden also apparently lost the toss.
The consistent Steve Tedds must also be in with a chance though he faced a tricky tie against Riley’s Carl Dagnan. Dagnan however failed to show any of his current form and Tedds ended up a run away winner. Andy Bassett put his dismal league form behind him to out pot Nigel Griffiths 8 – 4 which was the same score Colin Richards shook passed Mick McCool.
The all division Three clash between Neil Pearson and Claire Quinney produced a real thriller, Pearson was coasting to victory 7 – 2 up and thinking of the next round. Quinney had other ideas and produced an amazing comeback to level at 7 all. Pearson then found himself in trouble in the decider only to produce a superb pot on his penultimate red to clinch a remarkable victory against a valiant Quinney.