The Monthly Cue
Issue 2 July 04
Evans in Shepherds Pie
Shocker!!!
Inside this month:
Cue Contrite
to
Cutie Chapman
Swinnerton’s Success
In Cue’s Very First
Competition
Big Jason
Jumps to
Cue’s Aid!!!
Olympic Honour for Local Pool Player
Cue’s Cock Up Leads to Chapman Chaos
Following an incredibly stupid error the Monthly Cue has had to concede an apology to Mark Chapman after we posted a picture which we alleged was Chapman with a beard. This was a secretarial blunder of epic proportions. It came to light when a concerned reader pointed out that the picture was of course of Fife St Nomad’s Mick Taylor0.
What a Scorcher!!! Calm down Ladies
O Boy O Boy O Boy O Boyo!!! Evans Shame at Witherley Show.
You had to see it to believe it! Welsh Country Boyo Danny Evans has hit absolute rock bottom with his latest outrage which has seen him ostracised by everyone in Witherley.
Witherley’s long standing Mayor (Incest Party), put down his banjo for a moment and gave a frank interview to the Cue.
‘It was terrible’ he said ‘there were women and children present. I know his sheep, Flossy, won 1st Prize in the French Kissing Contest but if Danny turns up in a shirt like that again I’ll fucking lamp him mesen – ooooh arhhh’!
Nomads Repentant.
Following our heart wrenching story in last months issue we are happy to report that the Nomads are keen to mend the rift between themselves and League Secretary Bob Jefferies. They have demonstrated this in their unequivocal generosity following a serious accident which befell Bob. In a freak incident Bob tripped over trailing nasal hair and the Nomads have rallied round and bought him a personal grooming kit!
Warner Bros are
currently searching
The rumours that have been flying around about Matt Cooke being the best player in his house have been found to be untrue. Sources close to Mr. Cooke have confirmed that ‘he is; but only when Sian is out’!
It has been reported that Paul Gosling attempted to run over Alun Jones in his car, but the tragedy was averted when a quick thinking Jones carried on walking realising that he was wearing black and he new Gosling would miss.
Many Congratulations go to Ben Swinnerton who scored full marks in last months test
Happy or Homosexual.
We would like to squash any rumours that he had help from his new friend Dave who works at Chicago Rock! Ben is almost unrecognisable when he gets ready for a night on the town as you will see from the photo.
Caption Competition
Last month we gave you the chance to pass your comments on this picture of Nuneaton Star Paul Willis.
All you
had to do was say what you thought Paul was thinking. We had a selection of
superb entries to choose from but the judges finally managed to narrow it
down to three.
In
third place: ‘ I know it’s Karl Knight’s job to piss his pants but I’m sure
I can beat him to it’. Karl Knight
In
second place:
Good shot Mushy. But could you get off my f****ing foot!!
Our congratulations go to Gaz Calcott who came up with the winning entry: ‘Being a devoted Birmingham city fan, Paul isn't saying F*** all , but grinning inanely at the news that new signing, Emile Heskey, has been picked to play the DONKEY in the new film, "Shreck 3 - Bruce's Pride’! Gaz chose prize A and wins a Ben Swinnerton Blow Job!!!!
This month’s competition features Bertie Bassett. Once again you have tell us what Bertie is thinking!!!
Officials are
to do away with the traditional method of lighting the Olympic flame when
Britain plays host in 2012.
Local
Scott Varden
has got the job and is pictured here practicing for his prestigious role
Good News for the Thinly Challenged. (Fat Fuckers)
If you
are struggling with a little extra poundage, you would do well to forget the
Atkins Diet and take the advice of the Monthly Cue’s very own Slimming
Correspondent
Jason
Spencer.
Jason
tells us that he has devised a way that we can all use to get into peek
physical shape for the summer ahead.
‘It’s quite simple’ says Jase,‘ look at me in the picture to the left. That
was me on my way to breakfast. But now I’ve parked my barrow for good and
I’ve cut down, only enjoying a meagre bucket or two at any one mealtime. The
results are astounding, I’ve lost 8 lbs in one day
and no problems with bad
breath’!
But Jason’s new diet isn’t without its critics. Ex Roly Poly dancer and former partner of Jason’s, Hilda Buttocksags, said that 8lb in one day is nothing. She had to clean up after Jase and reakons he can shit a good 12 lb in a single sitting.
For Sale
Books & Videos
A Complete Rundown of every shot I’ve ever Played. By Mick Richardson. 83 Volumes
‘I was good at Pool once – a liars account’ Autobiography by Bob Jefferies 1 Sentence
A Snail’s Guide to Pool’ by Ralph Deardon Video: Running Time: The Average Lifetime
The Monthly Cue is proud to be able to offer an exclusive new range of books. Buy them and you’ll soon be able to achieve anything with our ‘How to’ series.
This month only: Choose anyone of the three titles below FREE and yes, you will get the other two absolutely FREE!!!
How to Cope with Incontinence by Karl Knight Two Sheets
How to play pool blind, ( I may as well) by Rob Orton Available in Braille
How to Apply Vaseline Discretely in a Public Place By Ben Swinnerton Never Ending Story
Miscellaneous Sales
Al Jones is offering For Sale one years supply of the hair regenerating product Regain. It is well reported that this product does not suit all those who use it. ‘I’ve tried to persevere with it’ said a despondent Jones, clutching a photo of Bobby Charlton, ‘but at best I can only describe the results as patchy’.
Your Letters:
We asked for your letters and by golly gosh did we get them. It’s a good job they all came by electronic mail because Postman Paul Willis would have had a very full sack! So here they are:
Dear Monthly Cue
As a long standing player in the Nuneaton area I would like to point out how astounded I am that this singles league has even got off the ground. I am really surprised that two Disney characters, Goofy (Al Jones) and Pinocchio (Bob Jefferies) have ever been able to administrate anything! Lets face it, neither of them probably know how to sit the right way on a toilet. Then to add insult to injury, the dip-shits include veteran Hammer House of Horror star Boris Karloff (Matt Cooke) to ably assist in their triumphant! The modern three wise monkeys: bite no evil, smell no evil and lumbering lummox no evil. What a bunch of tossers!
Yours,
I.Matwat.
Dear Sir/Madam,
My attention has been drawn to your 'publication' by a concerned Pool player in the Nuneaton area. He or she is worried that your derogatory comments, sly innuendo, homophobic antics and puerile writings may in fact bring the fantastic game of pool into disrepute.
What a friggin’ arsehole!
.
Keep up the good work!
Yours
Mr.H.U.Gedick
PS Is Paul Willis beating his meat at the time of the photo and therefore having rude thoughts?
Dear Monthly Cue
I understand that my colleague Mr. H.U. Gedick contacted you earlier via email to register his concerns at the publication of the Monthly Cue on the Internet. On behalf of the Censorship Unit of Nuneaton Town (C.U.N.T) I would like to apologise for his comments in which he clearly supports your actions. He has now been asked to pull out of C.U.N.T to avoid any further internal messes. I would like to point out just how tight lipped we are at C.U.N.T and would therefore ask you to temper any future postings or I assure you we at C.U.N.T will make a big stink!
Yours
Miss. V. A. Ginasmells
You send it…..we at the Cue will print it! Keep them Coming!
Apology.
The Monthly Cue would like to take this opportunity to apologise to the local pool player we upset in our first issue. Firstly we like to point out it was not our intention to upset anyone. The people involved with the June edition, both writers and proof readers, thought everyone mentioned in it had a sense of humour and would take it as it was meant to be, as a joke. The person we upset, who shall remain nameless, was very angry, angry enough to e-mail this to a certain Mr Jefferies. You will see for yourself from their reaction and the words they have written they were not impressed.
‘who is writing this shit on the website, sort the fu**in thing out ill sue u
you bastards. not very funny at all. i try and help well you can fu** off
from now on.’
Well you can imagine our horror at this threatening e-mail after a few hours of the June edition being posted. We were in two minds whether to take the Monthly Cue off the web-site but were talked into leaving it posted for a week. Well our horror was soon turned to delight at the response we got from everyone else, we were overwhelmed by the e-mails and comments passed our way. For this we thank you and hope the July edition is taken with a pinch of salt. People should realise if they are mentioned in the Cue, they must be well thought of and not disliked. So beware, everyone will get mentioned at some point! You have been warned!
All we can do is to say a sincere SORRY.
In future if you think you might be upset you must take heed of and understand the front-page.
Editor.
Sizzling Hot Offer
This month Only!
Ice Skating Lessons
Phone Rod Brown
07777 44552145
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