The Monthly Cue
Issue 10: Oct 2005
More stupid than
Mark Bank’s bandanas! Blithering idiot!
Inside this Special Yarmouth issue……..
Cue explores possibility that Al Jones is Ken Dodd’s ‘Love Child’ You decide……
Al Jones
Yvonne Deacon in Drinking
Disaster!...Swinnerton in Soapy Sensation
…….
Upton Leisure Facilities more than just a Sheep Shed
Ski
Shocker!
Rod
Browns’ silky skills on slippery surfaces are undeniable. This man can boast
to have been able to get his legs wider than Olympic Champ Jane Torvill
during his exemplary career in ice skating. Now he turns his attentions to
the slopes as he slides on the skis and parallels the pistes.
What a
man! What a star!
What a pity he’s fuckin shit at pool!!!!!
Very exciting news has just
reached us that Danny Barr
has landed a sponsorship deal
befitting of his pool playing ability!
And whilst we’re on the subject
of sponsorships…
Congratulations goes to Bender Swingerbottom
Come up
trumps once again!
Bertie!
A feisty
Since that meeting Bert has been likened to Dr.Dolittle because it is believed that he can talk to the animals! However at the Cue we feel that shouting ‘look what you’ve done to my fuckin’ car, you’re fuckin’ dog meat if I catch you’ doesn’t really merit the resemblance.
Following the
refurbishment of Nuneaton’s Pingles Centre, businessman and Division Three
Sponsor Bob Orton was proud to help to develop the leisure complex in his
own village:
‘Weem ad oped ta
compeat with Landan for t’ Olympics’ beamed the bovine botty basher!
Following
an appeal for players in our last issue, the
Poachers Pocket team is disappointed to announce that, despite a
deluge of entries for their IQ test (right), only one person was deemed
stupid enough to fit in with the rest of them.
The
Poachers own potter
Steve ‘The
Claw’ Blakemore
was
particularly embarrassed when he realised that he was indeed that successful
candidate scoring 0/4!
Poachers Pocket
Team Entry IQ Test
1. Complete the sequence.
1
2 3
4 ?
2. Fill in the missing letter.
A
B ?
D E
3.Which is the odd shape out.
a. b. c. d. e.
4. If it takes Danny Barr 2 mins to lose at pool, how long will it take for Danny Barr to lose at pool?
a. 2 mins b. 5 hours c. 28 secs d. a fortnight e. till the cows come home
After
struggling to win 2 out of his first 9 matches in the Singles League, Bob
Jefferies has denied allegations he is out of his depth in Division One.
However
the Monthly Cue has categorical proof that he is.
In an attempt to emulate
Dave ‘Dodgey’Alsop spent
several hours in casualty after he slipped in the shower.
A nurse at the Eliott said ‘we’ve had to remove a variety of useless objects from peoples’ arseholes in the past but never anything this distasteful!’
Matt Cooke
Dave Alsop
Jokes & Stuff
Q: Did you know that they’ve discovered a new use for sheep in Witherley?
A: Wool
THE WORLD’S SHORTEST
FAIRY TALE
Once upon a time a guy asked a girl ‘Will you marry me?’
The girl said, ‘NO’
And the guy lived happily ever after and went out every
night, watched loads of footie, played a lot of golf, drank a lot of beer,
scratched his arse and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END.
Steve Sears & Ben Swingerbottom are sharing a house when Steve comes home to find Ben smearing Vaseline all over his chest!
‘What are you doing?’ Steve asks.
‘I read that putting Vaseline on your body promotes hair growth’ tittered Ben, to which Steve replies:
‘if that were true you’d have a ponytail growing out your arse’!!!
Once bitten…………….no more blow jobs
Nuneaton’s top pool players
will be on cue this weekend when they join some of the best players in the
world at the National Interleague Knock Out Cup finals in Great
Yarmouth. Current holders Triangle, who ended the town’s hopes in the
quarter
finals last
year, will be all out to retain the trophy and honour of being National
Champions.
Nuneaton have two teams representing them this year with both their ‘A’ and ‘B’ sides qualifying from the regional finals earlier in the year. Captain Bob Jefferies said ‘It’s time to face the music. It will be the first taste of top class pool for many of the ‘B’ team. The unique atmosphere in the playing arena may affect a few of them, but if they remember to play the balls and not the arena they may well surprise a few sides’.
However
having said that, the draw could have been a lot kinder to them. Former
finalists P J’s of
Stourbridge one of the favourites to lift the cup plus
Waterloo join the ‘B’ side on table Thirty Two. While Waterloo will be
strong opposition, P J’s are
on another level, they are
currently 5th in the rankings, they boast the talents of Rob
Chilton and Neil Raybone both top 10 professionals. Then for good measure
you add a host of quality I.P.A. tour players and the enormity of the ‘B’
side’s task
becomes
evident. There is a player the Nuneaton squad will
know well though, Ben Swinnerton who plays for The
Rose Inn. Ben
currently leads the Elite league of the Nuneaton Singles and is a regular in
P J’s starting line up.
Just
imagine how worried P J’s will be when they find out Nuneaton ‘B’ line up
includes last
years Division Two champion of the
Nuneaton Singles League Rod Brown plus double meat bingo winner Anthony
Tedds. Danny Barr was Robinson’s End middle school egg
and
spoon champion on three separate occasions.
Captain Bob Jefferies is himself no stranger to fame. He once had a picture shown on Vision On, in Tony Hart’s Gallery.
The ‘B’ side was further strengthened yesterday when the news that current European sheep worrying champion Danny Evans would also make the trip.
As for Nuneaton ‘A’, they’ll be hard pushed to emulate the exploits of last year when they reached the last eight. Nevertheless, they are now a stronger side.
Brighton on the other hand are an exceptional side, they played their part in an thrilling match with Nuneaton last season, which saw the towns cueist’s eventually out-potting their south coast opponents in the last 32. Brighton, like P J’s, are ranked in the top 10 and have a host of professional and tour players with Morray Dolan being the main danger. Captain Alun Jones will be hoping for excellent performances from his own tour players Matt Cooke, Steve Sears and Michael Richardson. They will no doubt be ably assisted by John Martin, Mark Chapman & Steve Tedds.
He added ‘How tickled I am to be here! We all know we’ll have to be at our very best if we want to progress from the round robin stage’s of this competition.’
Nuneaton ‘A’ squad Alun Jones, Andy West, Matt Cooke, John Martin, Carl Franklin, Steve Sears, Michael Richardson, Mark Chapman, Steve Tedds, Nigel Griffiths and Lee Steptoe.
Nuneaton ‘B’ squad Bob Jefferies, Andy Bassett, Rod Brown, Brad Read, Danny Barr, Colin Richards, Adam Wood, Danny Evans, Sam Baginskis, Anthony Tedds, Claire Quinney, and Dave Alsop.
Quiz Time
Whose Arse Is It
Anyway?
Yes, yes, yes.
It’s that time in the Issue again when we get you to get the old grey matter
going. On offer this month is the top prize of a colonic irrigation session
if you can guess whose arsehole is pictured below. Take your time ~ follow
the clues, ginger pubes!
Golden brown ring,
on third finger of left hand. Sleazy hotel duvet cover.
Who might you have
seen bearing his wares in this way recently?
Answers to:
Monthlycue@aol.com
(applications restricted to persons other than Craig ‘Yido’Yates, his family , all his friends, all his enemies, all the members of the Coniston Pool Team who are sure to instantly recognise it and Ben Swinnerton, who more than likely has been there)
Keith Garner has secured a
terrific sponsorship deal with
Caneston Cream.
A
spokesperson for the company said:
‘It was quite an easy decision. As soon as he told us he was a Man Utd fan the deal was done. Let’s face it, they’re all irritating twats!’
Can
Calcott afford to be so fussy?
(wearing a
shirt like that – probably not!)
Is Steve Sears
Are women
more closely related to camels than we first thought?
(Rebecca McCool investigates!)
How much meat should a Big Mac
have?
(Claire Quinny goes deeper)
All to come in your next issue of the Monthly Cue
Sumo Spencer in
Squat, Squit, Shit, Shock!!!!
Slick,
Nuneaton B cueist, and would be George Michael look-a-like,
Brad Read,
proves a bigger attraction than Yarmouth Pier.
Disappointment for
And finally ~ Music News………
Colin
‘Shakin’ Richards is all set to front a
But Colin will not be too disappointed should this new enterprise prove a flop because sources close to the Cue can confirm that he has also landed the role of Wurzel Gummage in local Panto.